So I decided to go on a date with a male bodied person and we are going to call him A. I met A on Hinge and from his profile he seemed like a relatively normal character. He said that he did laborious jobs like flagging and other construction work and I was intrigued because he talked about multiple enrichment activities. He mentioned going to open mics because he wrote poetry and wanted to get his work out there. He also talked about going to a men’s empowerment group. 

I was really excited about this because he appeared introspective and artsy.  he had a warmth to him that made me feel very excited about getting to know him better. We had originally planned for our first date to be a walk to a local grocery store where he would buy the groceries and I would cook (because you know I throw down in the kitchen). but couple of days before our intended date he said that he double booked himself but then he proposed a replacement activity. He mentioned he had an extra ticket for the play and asked if I was interested in joining him.  When he shared the promo, I agreed to join him. He was very affectionate in the days leading up to the date and this affection included routine check-ins but, instead of saying good morning, he would say grand rising. It is supposed to be conscious trendy lingo for those who describe themselves as spiritual. Now normally when a male bodied black person says “Grand rising” to me I usually run in the other direction, but A had all these other activities that really encouraged me to think that there would be more to him than hotep tendencies. My working definition of a hotep is robust, but the elements I see outlined in the remainder of this story are misogyny and absolving of self and the role of black men for the issues plaguing the black community, 

A arrived to the lobby a few minutes after me and gave me a warm greeting. When we approached the ticketing counter, the hostess ask for his name and said, “A + 4?” 

Me: “+4?”

A: “yeah I invited another couple and one of my other friends… 

First of all, you can’t invite another couple unless there is a couple currently present and we are not a couple, MY BROTHER. I excused myself to the bathroom and on my return, I saw him greet another member of the party. It was another woman, we’ll call her B. 

He turns to B and says, “This is my plus one, Stefanie.” Then turns to me and says “Stefanie this is my plus one B.” I didn’t want to immediately assume this was another romantic interest, but upon entering the theater, A squeezed himself between B and I and puts either arm around us both. As the play went on, I came to learn this play was also B’s first date with A and they had many conversations about romantic and sexual intentions for one another. 

When the night ended and I was able to speak to him one on one, I told him it was inappropriate to surprise me with another person on a date for which he said I would have his “undivided attention.” He never apologized or even confirmed that he heard my issue, understood my frustration. Within one week, he threw one curveball to men, so he got cut off, but what I want to understand is why all this was necessary. What was the goal? Why hide your intentions? Are we above transparency? He shared movies and books he thought I should see/read, but I would have preferred education on his dating preferences. Why was this date organized to benefit him, but at my expense? Why didn’t I trust my gut when I got signals of the textbook hotep? He immediately reminded me of Shazza Zulu from ‘A Different World’ yet somehow I still neglected to trust my gut.There is complex bidirectional communication between the brain and the gut. The brain facilitates regulation of microbiota in the lumen of the stomach and in the other direction, digestion and gastrointestinal stability affects motivation and higher order cognitive functions like decision-making. If you want to learn more, take a look at this review Gut feelings: the emerging biology of gut-brain communication. But until then, trust your gut. If she tells you to run, RUN. And per usual, niggas are weird. 

Be safe out there, 

Stef