I was supposed to be smart. I have spent 85% of my life in school so I think of myself as academically inclined. Being a PhD student requires me to routinely analyze data and draw conclusions, to be logical and think critically. With all this “logic” I’m supposed to have, I don’t understand why I picked a *job* that requires the most delayed gratification ever. Delayed or deferred gratification is the ability to postpone an immediate gain in favor of greater and later reward. In my case, heavy emphasis on the LATER and on a day to day basis, I really wonder about the “greater.” As a grad student, the wins are few and far between and in a system fixated on result-based goals, there is a high incidence of moments where I wonder, “what the actual f*ck I’m doing here?”

For a long time, I’ve had this idea of a balance between income and passion. By this I mean, if my job is not filling my bank account, I would hope to be passionate about my work. The converse to this: if the work sucks, at least I’m being paid enough for the hassle. My fool ass is here working hard and being paid the bare minimum… make it make sense. The academics in my readership know these checks are not giving what they are supposed to gave. On top of this, Instagram and her little friends are saturated with “immediate gains.” Fast money, quick hustles and people who look happy and fur-filled *Joseline accent* in the present tense. 

Y’all, I can’t tell you how many get rich quick pursuits tik tok has tempted me with since starting this program. The grass is looking green as hell on the other side and I question daily if this is really what I want to do with my life. Maybe it will all be worth it when I am Dr. Henry… but  I won’t know until I get there. For this reason, I am going to talk about the importance of having intermediates that bring your joy in the present tense. 

One of the joys of writing this blog has been building community with all my fellow blackademics (you like that word play?) and scientists from underrepresented backgrounds. Thankfully, with you all I am able to water my grass a bit while commiserating with people who have the same struggle as me. I think this is important for us all to do. My best friends and I often talk about filling any free time we have with activities that evoke passion. (i.e. The grass isn’t always greener on the other side; it is only greener where you water it). Despite passion for science being in constant flux (maybe only waning for some of us) and this check is anything but UP and very much STUCK, this lifestyle DOES afford me something very unique: flexibility. With reasonable PIs, I have found myself with enough free time to do other things to excite me when science or my institution fails me. I charge my readership to maximize this element of being an academic. Go do some hood rat sh*t with your friends. Water your plants. Learn to rollerskate… 

We can’t fixate on future accomplishments (doctorates and publications) so much that we steal our joy in the present. We can’t wait until we arrive at the next checkpoint and expect our happiness to meet us at the finish line. 

Until next time, 

Stef